Re-evaluation

Listening to: Landslide cover by the Dixie Chicks
Currently drinking: Self-made white chocolate coffee

I don't really know how to say this without making it sound like a pity party, but here goes...

Everybody knows that long distance relationships are hard, hell, regular relationships are hard. I know in one of my first posts, Stop, Pause, Rewind, I talked about several different options for myself and my current boyfriend, the Pirate, or Captain as you may know him. Eventually, we came to the agreement (we, as in I, chose), that we would stay together and try to continue our relationship for the duration of my stay in Japan. This has been the most difficult part about being abroad.

What happens when communication starts to disappear? What happens when the person you visualize a future with starts to become a little fuzzy, and your relationship direction becomes a little less clear? How do you open up serious communication via internet, especially when that communication is becoming weaker and weaker? I feel like I need some sort of relationship map, with clear starting and end points, and exact directions on how to get from A to B, because being lost sucks.

Photocredit: Coffeestops 2.0

The worst part about it is that I can feel myself being pulled in two directions. One part of me wants to walk down the path of commitment and perseverance while the other part sees freedom as a way to clarity. The question is, is the part of me that seeks freedom really just looking for assurance from the man in my life that I am actually someone he cares about? How do I tell what is rational from what is emotional. Can a decision about a relationship be rational at all, or is it all emotion based?

I have so many questions, all of which have been leading me to re-evaluate my role in this two person play. I know that I am the type of girls who thrives on attention, but at the same time would get bored if my partner was too clingy and lovey dovey. I thought I had found the happy medium with the Pirate, but recently I've been questioning how well I really fit into his life, as well as his personality. Maybe I'm just making everything too damned complicated... shouldn't relationships be easy?

Anyway, I've been mulling over a couple of ideas for when I return to the States, and hopefully, when it's time for me to return, I'll have my mind more made up. I really do hate it when everything is up in the air (at least on my end). I feel like I need to get grounded again, so I can find the right path, and get back on track with the girl I am in a relationship, as well as in life.

Always,
Love and lattes <3